Break free
I did a silly thing today. I was hungry and wanted to eat dinner, but I wanted to wait for my boyfriend to eat dinner together. I made millet for carbohydrates and went to Whole Foods to get groceries. There was spinach for vegetables but I was missing some serving of protein. I was starving. However, it looked like my boyfriend was going to reach home soon. After a while, completely at my wit's end, I decided to go to the supermarket near my apartment lobby and buy my own protein. In my mind, I would eat a complete meal by myself, but I was not fully committed to it.
When I got to the supermarket, the only protein option prepared today was a box of chicken cutlets, which I also got for dinner yesterday. There was no other protein option. The rotisserie chicken looked too complex to start eating and to keep. There was ground turkey, but it did not look organic and I wasn't sure the serving sizes would be sufficient. To be honest, I could have gone with the chicken cutlets, but the fact that they costed $9.99 entirely dissuaded me. I had just spent over $90 at Whole Foods. I could cook the frozen meat I got from Whole Foods, but they were still frozen. I hoped that my boyfriend would reach so that he could get the $9.99 chicken cutlet instead. In the end, I wandered several rounds in the supermarket before heading back home. I typed a whining set of messages to my boyfriend, and then reached home feeling more powerless than I'd felt when I was at the supermarket.
By the time my boyfriend got home, I was whining harder and had been starving for longer. My boyfriend asked me why I could not have tried to start eating the millet by myself. I said it was because I wanted to eat a complete meal. Either way, we both got fairly upset, and I cried.
My lynchpin was that I wanted my boyfriend to pay that $9.99, which ultimately stopped me from getting the chicken cutlet. The result was that my boyfriend felt like we both ended up in a more miserable state than if I had just eaten something. He wasn't sure what else he could have done and he said he felt defeated.
I withdrew myself from my mind and posed a question to myself: What would you do if you could do anything right now? I decided I would like to go for a walk to help with my digestion. So, I said I would go on a walk. My boyfriend made some sound of affirmation. I also decided that I wanted to bring my plates to the sink. I thought I would leave the dishes in the sink for my boyfriend to do; but when he brought his dishes to the sink, I was already ready to pick up my dishwashing gloves, so I decided I would just do the dishes.
Mentally, I told myself that I was doing dishes for my own benefit, because I wanted to be standing and upright after eating a meal to aid my digestion. It then also occurred to me that I was living in such a way that I'd set up boundaries between my boyfriend and I. I noticed that I was feeling like I was putting in a lot of effort but was being under-appreciated. I noted that it was exactly how I felt at work too, that I was putting in a lot of effort at work but being under-appreciated. The fact that there was a pattern made me wonder if I was creating these circumstances for myself. I wondered what it would be like if I was appreciated for my work. I would tell people what I did. For example, I would tell my boyfriend—if I felt like I was doing the dishes and cooking in the same day for too many days in a row, when we had agreed before that he would cook and I would do dishes—that I had been doing both the cooking and the dishes. There were ways I could make him aware without wanting him to react in any particular way. Similarly, at work, I could share that I have been taking on a lot of the "support" role during this interim period, which is fine and dandy but I am working towards a world where some product support team could replace what I am currently doing. I want to manifest the world in which I am amply, abundantly, and profitably rewarded for my efforts.
Afterwards, I reflected that emotionally I was still unable to open up to my boyfriend and be happy. I reflected that he had extroverted Feeling as his second-highest cognitive function, so he would be particularly affected by my moods and the lack of social harmony around him. So, I decided that it would be good for me to be in a good mood. I also then resolved that I did not want to be carrying my karma, that I want to be able to drop this night's experiences and its impact on my emotional state. So, I dropped it. It's surprising on hindsight but it's really nothing too complex. I am grateful to the Divine for I owe all clarity, strength, and good sense to the Divine. In any case, I dropped it. Like Nike's Just Do It. I just dropped it. And it dropped. I took my mind out and away from the past. I focused on the present, which was the dishes that I was doing. After doing dishes, I checked in with myself to see what I wanted to do. I still wanted to walk around. I thus told my boyfriend again that I was going on a walk.
My boyfriend then came towards me. He asked me if I wanted him to go with me. I said it was up to him. I told him the series of chores that would be awesome to complete, which he could do while I was walking. He hugged me and said he felt like a small boy, "Don't go." I stood there and thought about it, and realized I could be doing something mean. So, eventually we reached the same conclusion, which was to walk at the 11th floor common area together as a compromise.
It was a nice walk. At the 11th floor, we investigated the Pilates Yoga Room. I realized the wooden floor and mirror made it basically a dance studio. The foamy mat also was good for practicing tumbles and front walks. (My boyfriend shared how he was unable to do forward rolls.) I felt like it was a gift from God, to let me know that I had made the right decision in opening up my heart and breaking down the mental barrier I had between my boyfriend and I.
Because of the mental barrier, I had wanted to audit the transaction balance between my boyfriend and I. Honestly, writing this on hindsight, this compulsion seemed substantially similar, if not identical, to Trump's trade surplus agenda. He was a Taker. I was acting like a Taker too. I noticed the barrier clearly when I noticed that I was persuading myself to do dishes because it was for my benefit. To do things for other's benefit is to do things for my benefit too. We are interconnected. Even more immediately and concretely, my barrier—causing me to want my boyfriend to pay for dinner after I had contributed a lot into groceries and making dinner—was the cause of both my boyfriend's and my unhappiness that evening. I am grateful for this lesson from the Divine, for this clarity offered to me, so that I could know better than to establish boundaries and barriers between myself and others. I want to constantly keep in mind the communion between myself and the Divine—which is in everyone—and tap into that Divine Light and Strength so I may be a conduit and Giver of this Holy Light. I want to constantly stay in the present, as it was the only thing that was real, and helped me realize how I was living in my delusions. I am so grateful that I was not more ignorant nor more mired in my delusional thinking. So, thank you, Divine. Thank you so, so much, Divine.
I read an article by Sadhguru this morning about the power of unreasonable forgiveness and compassion. If you punished somebody, you only made them better at withstanding your punishments. If you gave someone unreasonable compassion, they would melt. That was far more powerful. I thought about Jesus who kissed the Inquisitor in Dostoevsky's story. The Divine Love and Mercy we all enjoy. The unrelenting giving by the Sun of its life-giving light. The unrelenting giving from water, air, earth, and space. We are all held together in this world by meek, silent, and loving forces. It is so beautiful. The Divine is so powerful. It continues its course notwithstanding the gratitude or ingratitude from Her benefactors. I am emptiness! Ego is gone from my life. I am filled by Divine Light, more and more, every day. Enlightenment is me, as me. Thank you for the Infinite Grace, Divine. All the good in my life is because of you, Divine. Thank you for the Light, clarity, and guidance. I muster all strength, which is Thy gift, to not veer nor stray from Thy Holy Light. My success is only due to Thy Divine Mercy and Grace and Love. There's nothing more to say than to abide in Thy Silence.